Since I was a little girl I was adamant. I never would have children of my own. There were too many unloved children in the world that, if one day, I decided I wanted one, I would adopt. Having never grown up around anyone younger than me, I am embarrassed to say that I never held a baby until I was 28 years old… and she screamed to the top of her tiny lungs until she was swiftly taken from me, frozen in horror over the experience. This reconfirmed my firm belief that I was not meant to be a mom. It just wasn’t in me.
That is until… one day I woke up and realized, it was… physically… a baby was growing inside of me. I was inconsolable and shocked with disbelief. How could I let this happen? I’m not made to be a mom. I could never be good at it. How could I be so irresponsible? The guilt that washed over me was gut wrenching and completely surreal.
There was nothing I would do to change my physical circumstances. Once I made this mental shift, I was actually really excited. A whole new chapter in our lives as newlyweds was just beginning. I was back to my normal self with a whole new mission in mind. True to character I swiftly dove head first into researching about everything baby. An ultrasound at 5 weeks confirmed I was indeed pregnant and all looked well in the world again.
Until the day I started bleeding. A second ultrasound at just over 6 weeks showed the baby will still alive and the heartbeat was going strong. Many women bleed in pregnancy and go on to delivering a healthy baby. I was scared and holding on to all the hope I would fall into this grouping. Sadly, the bleeding got heavier and there was nothing the doctors could do. These things happen for a reason and maybe this baby was not meant to be. I miscarried at 7 weeks.
My little angel pie baby, in its short existence, changed the direction of my life in one of the most dramatic ways I have ever experienced. It made me realize I did want to have a child; that I was meant to be a mom. I could not deny myself this experience.
My research took an unplanned turn and I read a lot about how important it is for women who experience a miscarriage to ensure they keep on trying. I’ve met women who, after a single miscarriage, put their lives on hold, paralyzed in fear of trying again and facing similar circumstances. Nature ran its course. Something was not right. I finally accepted this.
A year later, after just starting to try for a baby, we found ourselves pregnant again! I was afraid but did not let this take over the excitement and joy. I went on to have a very healthy pregnancy and baby.
The happiness that a baby can bring into your life is unimaginable. It is something you can only learn through experience. It is a love that I firmly believe only moms and dads can know. It truly is learning how to live with your heart walking around outside of you.
My first baby was never able to grow and experience life outside of the womb, but if it weren’t for this angel pie baby, I may never have had my little ‘Babu’ today.
For those of you out there who may have suffered loss through a miscarriage, take the time to mourn but don’t let the fear of what could happen the next time around stop you from becoming a parent. It’s the most incredible experience and journey for a human-being and one I owe to my first angel baby. Thank you.